3rd March 2019, 4:56 AM
(This post was last modified: 3rd March 2019, 5:25 AM by Campaigns | Ilraon. Edited 4 times in total.)
Hi Truc,
Made an account specifically for you!
I think many people on these forums relate to what happened to you. Spending a lot of time behind a screen and carefully ordering our thoughts, as you did, doesn't help to occasionally take the rash and bold action life sometimes demands.
I've been in that zone of ghostly, undetermined relationship for a year as a teenager, and coming out of it made me primarily angry. I was very annoyed at things seeming so fake and stretching over very long periods only to be broken by a sudden, in my mind absolutely illegitimate rival. How could someone supposedly fall in love in less than a week?
At some point, I think it's just the freshness of something new beating the reality of a complicated relationship. Even if it is possibly an illusion, the new encounter is exciting and it's easy to idealize it. Some are prompt to declare themselves in love; the conception of love itself is in my opinion falsely romanticized, as reminded me the "butterflies or no marriage" thing. (I find that very cliché).
One over, significant thing: people outside of a relationship, especially in - but not limited to - college or high school, treat it as entertainment just as they treat reality tv shows. In that respect, I consider gossip highly toxic and recommand to clear things up as soon as they begin to spread, lest they should decide what public reality is in your stead. Don't let gossip influence a situation which belongs to you; it will if you let it grow bigger. More importantly so, beware that gossip doesn't influence your opinion; look into yourself and decide for yourself, as honestly and realistically as possible how you feel about that person - not the idealized projection of an unaccessible perfection, but the actual human and your actual, day to day interactions with her.
I have developped such a sickness to these ghostly relationships and turn of events that I now opt as much as my courage enables me for straightforward honesty. In a sense, it's easier as well. That amounts to accepting the situation is complicated, but presenting it clearly; which I always favour over inventing a cloudy simplified "truth" (eg a lie or not stating the most obvious). I study maths as well; the analogy is excessive, but a difficult maths problem clearly analyzed is hard to solve; an easy problem hastily and badly interpreted is impossible to solve.
I feel like that is also a healthier way of inhabiting yourself. There is no ground to bear shame of one's feelings. We feel them and that's how reality is, why hide it? You don't want others to accept an incomplete version of you. Let's not pretend being excited when bored, and let's not answer systematically that we're doing fine when others ask. Maybe that plays a part in the feeling you mentionned about lacking meaningful human interactions during some period.
That is not an exortation to admit you love her and strive to get her back - I think this is a dangerous path.
I recommend to admit the situation, not pretend you're doing well and be upfront about why if she asks about it. It's nice and all to try and protect her from doing bad, but you already condemned your highly moral principles and I'm starting to ask myself if that hasn't grown to a sort of excuse for your not taking a step to change the situation. Even if that's not it, protecting someone else cannot be prioritized over being yourself. In trying to save a relationship by sacrificing yourself, you are only bound to fail- need I insist that relationships involve two consistent and separate individuals.
In being honest to yourself *and with others*, it is quite possible that unpleasant conclusions come up to your mind *or in the discussion*, such as having to limit your interactions to her, as bls wrote. Let these not be ignored!
In short, I value rationnality and honesty.
That was the input of one, very remote and very partial human being who knows nothing of your life. Wheigh perhaps what I say. You decide what is best for you now; maybe that's opposite to what I say. I believe you to be a nice and clever person. Good luck and hopefully days look brighter in the short future.
Made an account specifically for you!
I think many people on these forums relate to what happened to you. Spending a lot of time behind a screen and carefully ordering our thoughts, as you did, doesn't help to occasionally take the rash and bold action life sometimes demands.
I've been in that zone of ghostly, undetermined relationship for a year as a teenager, and coming out of it made me primarily angry. I was very annoyed at things seeming so fake and stretching over very long periods only to be broken by a sudden, in my mind absolutely illegitimate rival. How could someone supposedly fall in love in less than a week?
At some point, I think it's just the freshness of something new beating the reality of a complicated relationship. Even if it is possibly an illusion, the new encounter is exciting and it's easy to idealize it. Some are prompt to declare themselves in love; the conception of love itself is in my opinion falsely romanticized, as reminded me the "butterflies or no marriage" thing. (I find that very cliché).
One over, significant thing: people outside of a relationship, especially in - but not limited to - college or high school, treat it as entertainment just as they treat reality tv shows. In that respect, I consider gossip highly toxic and recommand to clear things up as soon as they begin to spread, lest they should decide what public reality is in your stead. Don't let gossip influence a situation which belongs to you; it will if you let it grow bigger. More importantly so, beware that gossip doesn't influence your opinion; look into yourself and decide for yourself, as honestly and realistically as possible how you feel about that person - not the idealized projection of an unaccessible perfection, but the actual human and your actual, day to day interactions with her.
I have developped such a sickness to these ghostly relationships and turn of events that I now opt as much as my courage enables me for straightforward honesty. In a sense, it's easier as well. That amounts to accepting the situation is complicated, but presenting it clearly; which I always favour over inventing a cloudy simplified "truth" (eg a lie or not stating the most obvious). I study maths as well; the analogy is excessive, but a difficult maths problem clearly analyzed is hard to solve; an easy problem hastily and badly interpreted is impossible to solve.
I feel like that is also a healthier way of inhabiting yourself. There is no ground to bear shame of one's feelings. We feel them and that's how reality is, why hide it? You don't want others to accept an incomplete version of you. Let's not pretend being excited when bored, and let's not answer systematically that we're doing fine when others ask. Maybe that plays a part in the feeling you mentionned about lacking meaningful human interactions during some period.
That is not an exortation to admit you love her and strive to get her back - I think this is a dangerous path.
I recommend to admit the situation, not pretend you're doing well and be upfront about why if she asks about it. It's nice and all to try and protect her from doing bad, but you already condemned your highly moral principles and I'm starting to ask myself if that hasn't grown to a sort of excuse for your not taking a step to change the situation. Even if that's not it, protecting someone else cannot be prioritized over being yourself. In trying to save a relationship by sacrificing yourself, you are only bound to fail- need I insist that relationships involve two consistent and separate individuals.
In being honest to yourself *and with others*, it is quite possible that unpleasant conclusions come up to your mind *or in the discussion*, such as having to limit your interactions to her, as bls wrote. Let these not be ignored!
In short, I value rationnality and honesty.
That was the input of one, very remote and very partial human being who knows nothing of your life. Wheigh perhaps what I say. You decide what is best for you now; maybe that's opposite to what I say. I believe you to be a nice and clever person. Good luck and hopefully days look brighter in the short future.
