consciousness
#2
Well, lemme fill you in on what happened to me over the past 10 years.
I was a very sensitive child, people scared me their presence everything, i can loosely remember how strong their impressons were left on me, each person struck me and a part of them stayed with me making me wonder why do we meet at all and why do we part so quickly? I wanted to learn but there was no way to go no way to explore no means to quit being where you are and who you are therefore i settled with what was coming my way, which was very good for up to 15 years when i got anxiety problems that gave me panic attacks and other terrible experiences, needless to say this drove me far from socializing as for i was very sensitive to even people talking, looking, even considering things, i was always very good at memorizing events, and everything was very personal to me, i knew things about people they very likely just ignore or never even notice, and thus i escaped to video games, by playing a very competitive video game i finally found a way to cope with my extremely strong attention span.

And thus i found the theory, how to be effective at things, i got used to ignoring pain, since you get past it right, its how it works? I got used to being at a loss in life, i was pure and clean and although people scared me with their overpowering presences i would still expect only good of them and basically never even once considering doing, saying, anything evil towards them, yet obviously my sensitivity didnt spare me from them betraying me continously, which hurt the innocent child i was..

Anyhow, theorizing about video games teached me to be effective, at observing and understanding my environment and how its processes go, this made me less scared of people, the more i came in contact with people online the more i learned of what it means to be human, aside of my personal things.
And well, lets say that i had a life turning experience at the age of 16.
I calmed down, sat down in the bathroom near the mirror staring into it, trying to cancel out the negative sensations stressing my body constantly and distracting my soul, imaginations, all sorts of random things popping up in my mind, fears, worries, lack of ability to do, and overall sense of being a waste, for i was stuck in my life unable to be acting with power and brave things i was afraid of..

I learned to imagine numbers counting down from 60, i waited exactly as long as i felt no compulsion to rush or haste counting down, only one step further i went each digit, but this made me realize, the sudden change to my psyche that all these years i was trapped in my own mind's environmental map, and the realizations made me question things, more than ever before, mainly that i disconnected the meaning behind visuals, such as numbers, letters, and observed merely what was left, the sensation of objects, elements of the mind and else, this led me quite astray i must stay, and i wouldnt recommend anybody doing this, ever, it tore pieces of my person, yes this is possible, oddly.

I lost parts of my memories associated to the world in which i lived, untill i entered a peaceful remarkably pure and clean reality, but this at first was a welcome change, peace at last i thought, i lived like that for many years, played video games determined that i was never ever going to have a proper life outside of this, and as i was afraid the gap between me and others grew even larger, impossible to fix.

I know almost everybody is concerned about not being a social fit, or not finding their place in life, but my case is a bit different, i never really expected anything of people, i enjoyed them, for whatever they had to provide, but as expected they would want me to be there and provide something myself, but all i could ever give, is my good will and presence, i am nothing special when it comes to entertainment, therefore i know i will as always fail those who i may be with, i would truly never give up on people, they mean more to me than anything, but that doesnt matter in everydays.

I thought if i learn, if i become more and better i will find my place, i learned to theorize, and i learned to understand how the mind compiles things by practice of self observation through calm and experimentation on social platforms such as JV (some people may have seen me mess around in the past) well let me tell you growing doesnt help at all.
Inherently all we must do in my opinion is brave regardless of lacking the means, brave for what we think we must achieve, if you want friends, try looking, if you want something else, go for it instead, escapism is good, when practiced with moderation, i must admit i enjoyed my past 10 years no 25 years almost of escapism, but i have finally grown up, i know more about how the mind assembles knowledge more than most, thanks to my special technique, i got as far as to learn to create an artificial sensory ability taht allows me to keep track of everything changing around me, and make myself feel as if i am not even part of reality anymore, i can turn it on and off, i am pretty confident that the mind merely knows what the heart allows it to know, knowledge like digits, and numbers is a concept, and there is infinite ways to know the world, reality is like rings, layers, eggs within eggs, all objects and elements are contexts and everything is relative, therefore ultimately the point of life is life itself, whatever that may intale.

I would warn you, i know what i say doesnt mean much to you, if you can understand waht i say, its better to just keep going, i will not note here how i achieved said harsh changes to my psyche, for it basically broke me into pieces, i am a complete individual but i feel, as if i am less than i used to be, only my mind remembers well, only my heart knows what i am what i used to be, what i stil know myself to be deep within, the kind child innoent that wanted to know the world, for its light and shine but inevitably lacked the means to connect.

Why? Because i watch first, learn, and then act, people must show me things so that i may understand what they feel and how they think and then adapt their way of doing, seeing, knowing to myself, and the greatest curiosity is them, that they are different, and they very likely see the world differently than i do, and yet i can never taste or know what its like to be free as they are, for even if i am free in my own terms i am not, free like them, in various varieties, that come in billions of numbers.

The world is strange, indeed.


~ I hope i didnt depress you any further! And sorry for the lack of context, i would just advise against thinking, i would advise only adapting as much knowledge you require for your everydays, try to look at life with a bright mindset, i wish someone was there for me to make me braver, when people declined me and consciously erased my strength for i overshadowed my environment with my use of intellect even from as soon as my earliest memories, i dont resent them for it, but well, some things are never coming back, i will never know the world a someoen who grew up with friends and people to trust and rely on, people to know close and dear.

~ Although i must say the good things, i had i must say, were deliriouly good, the special sense i got is harsh yes, but it used o be beautiful, as if angels highlighted to me the depths of others soul, allowing me to see a little of their reality and in teh ritchest sense, if only i could walk in there, into their worlds and know it as they do, but perhap that would be boring, from wha i gather all people do waht they do either out of ignorance or need, need for something, so perhaps what makes them special is me, me seeing them special, me wantign to know them special, but why i dont know..

~ Life is full of mysteries, why am i this way? why not otherwise? others seem so content playing games outside, walking in the park, reading, hanging out together, and i always need someone to carry me, but there is no such individual, and im an expensive tool that needs attending.


LOL
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Messages In This Thread
consciousness - by ff - 28th August 2018, 5:59 PM
RE: consciousness - by Acno - 5th January 2019, 12:03 PM

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