22nd February 2019, 3:13 AM
I've pretty much been a ghost for the last year or so, and obviously I'm not gonna change that fact in a few minutes (edit: nearly 3 hours, RIP me), but right now things kind of rocketed to the bottom for me in the last couple of days, and I figured it might help if I wrote it down a bit on here like I used to do since 2013.
Now I probably owe some super serious apologies/replies to a couple of people. I have over 2000 notifications on Discord, as of last time I've checked, and even if I plan to eventually run clean through all of that, it's not for today. If you REALLY need me to see something, I'll try my best to take a quick glance at my PMs and this blog during the next few days and weeks. We'll see how that goes... knowing my recent record, lol
Anyway, here goes some awkward summary of the last year's important-ish IRL stuff:
April 2018
I think that's when I started vanishing away ? I don't even remember for sure lol. Anyway I got a promotion at work and it got busier there for sure. They had offered me one back in the summer of 2017, soon after I got hired, but I was about that start school. Pretty much meant I would work full time for the upcoming summer, after completing my first year of university in maths/teaching.
May 2018
Funny how everyone liked me, but it's always been like I was only a shell. Felt like I never actually got involved with anyone, personally or emotionally speaking. Might have something to do with my father, and the rough times after I got back from Scotland. But that's a whole story on its own.
All of that to clarify why the following is odd. Basically I was kind of stuck in some "live every day like if it was the previous one" attitude with life at this point. Just trying to enjoy what I could and etc. Didn't stop me from starting to appreciate more and more a certain girl at work, without noticing it. You know, looking forward to work with her, acting like a complete noob around her, those cute things. Of course I didn't say shewet (SIDE NOTE: damn I miss that word) lol, I was 22 and she had barely turned 18. Like a complete idiot, when she started messaging me to get tips on how to forget her really bad past relationship and move on with another guy she was interested in... I went 100% friend mode. But that's me I guess. Made me realise I actually liked her a lot, at least.
June 2018
This is where things get pretty serious. You all know what it is, workplace + people in highschool or just out of it = GOSSIP IS LIFE. Yep, somehow people started shipping us together. Or course this puts me in the wrong seat, since she clearly said she was not ready nor wanted another relationship at the moment. Yet the rumours keep growing (thanks to her very subtle friends). And I'm not gonna lie, I did not know how to take them. I probably made some weird faces, how do you express both excitement ("ye, I like her") and remoteness ("meh, it's complicated") at the same time ?
Turns out she invited me to a summer party in July. In case you did not know, summer lasts about 10 days in Canada, and the rest is winter, so we don't have much time to prepare it lol. Ok, I might be overstating it, but anyway, I accepted to go at her place a week before the party to help set up a few things. And hmmm, idk how, but it ended up being just me, her, and another 2 of coworkers (together in a relationship) around a cosy campfire under a clean starry sky. With only two large beanbag chairs. Guess what happened lol, we ended up pretty close. Like the true gentleman I am (why, you ask, I have no clue), I didn't even try to make a move, not sure if she would be willing to, knowing her wish to not have a bf at the time. But jeez, she just left those super obvious hints here and there in the conversation. Even when she said she liked geckos...
Just sucks that I had to go at 2am, I had to get ready to work at 6am, but meh, that evening was already something. I did not end up sleeping much lol.
July 2018
Fast forward a week later, at the said party. Mostly her friend group along with some colleagues. At this point even her mum suspects that there is something going on between us. And apparently of of her friends decided to harass me for 20 times into a fence just to answer THE BIG QUESTION, lol. I don't speak under torture, sadly for her, lol. It was just something I could not answer... YES would not have mattered considering her feelings, and NO would just be a plain lie, and I'm not in favour of that. We ended up in that same beanbag chair for a while later. Pffft I don't even understand how nothing happened. Maybe I just tend to follow some dumb moral principles too much.
The next day she would invite me and her best friend in town to the QCMF, where Shawn Mendes was performing (no idea who he was lol). Again... there might have been some subtle cuddling while laying together in the grass, carrying her around in my arms, a cute picture or two, etc. Nothing was made official yet, but it had to be a matter of time. Or so it seemed.
She had a 1 week trip in the US, followed immediately by me also leaving for 1 week. Really started to miss her during that time. But one thing was odd though. When she left, I said I'd miss spending time with her, and she replied there were plenty of other people at work. However, when I left, she also messaged she'd miss me. I pretty much replied the same way she did to me, and ouch. Grave mistake, apparently.
August 2018
Turns out the gossip at work was really playing on her nerves. I wasn't even noticing it that much cause I would always get around the facts, but she was getting VERY tired of it. To the point where it ruined everything. I can't recall the exact words, but she sent me this wall of text saying she just wasn't ready for something and she didn't want to break my heart. Although she also said a lot of meaningful things. The kind you would not tell anyone, if you know you what I mean... powerful words from the heart. Of course that was alright with me, but her attitude was pretty different afterwards. It was always as if there was a problem when I was there. I tried my best to make her smile and stuff, but I guess I did it wrong.
It was also the last month of the summer break. Got my night shift formations, since the regular guy was leaving, which meant I would work either Friday or Saturday overnight each week when school would start again.
September 2018 - December 2018
Nothing much to say, university wise. As the weeks passed by, I was getting more exhausted with each and every night shift I had to do. I prefer that schedule over having more, earlier shifts, but it was very demanding, when trying to match it with my university classes. Eventually I couldn't be arsed to attend some of them, it was rough on some grades, but everything was decent enough in the end. Just caused a lack of energy and/or motivation, I guess.
At work though... even if our "story" were past news, some people still knew about it. And for some reason they could effing read me like an open book, even the newcomers would notice something was up with her and I, lol. Which didn't help at all, when they asked within her presence. A few people told me to drop the chase, but I was still optimistic, I guess ? I'm not sure how I can explain it, but it felt like it was just a long temporary break. It seems that when I do end up developing feelings for someone, it's a long-lasting emotion.
January 2019
The winter break ended up being extra busy for me. Worked 45 hours a week on average, I don't have much to say about it lol. Felt nice to have a break from classes, especially before starting up fresh for my first internship. But life wasn't going to make it easy for me, no ?
First thing worth mentioning is the sudden change of speech this girl had over me. It didn't seem like she was mad at me for the gossip or my exhausted self anymore, but jeez, it's just as if she had forgotten that I actually like her more than just a friend. I mean I would endure her bad mood days, her silliness and it was obvious to everyone I was doing a little more to help her in particular with anything. Despite all of that, the day before we closed for 3 weeks due to renovations, she INSISTED on her will to remain single, that she was better like this for now, that she would never marry someone who would not give her the butterflies... and the most bizarre thing, she tried to convince me there was girl who were recently hired that like me. Seems super odd to me, even now. Anyway, 3 weeks without seeing her at work, sounded like I'd miss her even more. She's a lot less active online for the whole school semesters.
February 2019
Things got rough. My dad suffers from his recent breakup and I can't help but to make a parallel with what I was living (won't go into details). A good friend of the family dies from an old illness, looks like it was a disguised suicide since apparently he stopped taking his pills. My step-dad's father dies too. My two grandmas are pretty sick. University is going super saiyan mode with papers and exams. In a nutshell, life is poop. I thought going back to work on the 14th would bring something positive out of this mess. But meh, how could it be like that.
My love interest was not working, but another girl asked me how things were now between us. I had nothing concrete to share, except I had invited her to the movie theatre for her birthday (which actually happens to be tonight, the 22nd) to see the new Dragons movie, she loves them. Aaaaand I had a super perfect gift, of course.
I got back home that day, and she had left a message to her closest friends' group (for an unknown reason, I was invited in that girl-exclusive group just a few days earlier). She had met this boy from her own college and they cuddles and kissed, and that they would start dating.
Boom. Just like that.
Today
Now, I had a very bad week. I've always had trouble sleeping, I just think too much about everything, but guess what, I really struggled not to think about THAT, even during daytime. I haven't had that much alcohol in a week since I was in Scotland. Don't worry, I'm still very reasonable, but it just helps to stop thinking. It's either that, or I take the medication I didn't need since 2016 out of the closet. The worst thing about this is that I can't help but to feel like I knew that it was coming. And when I say this, I mean I've sensed it for a pretty long time. Pretty much since she told me she'd rather not date me for the moment, back during last summer.
The best way I can think of, to describe it, is like knowing you're going to hit a concrete wall while driving, but all you do is keep driving, hoping that your seatbelt will save your arse. I just feel like I got destroyed by the air bag, while the windshield is scattered all over me (I'm definitely saving that line). It's just a dreadful emotion that sticks to my mind all day and all night long.
How do I feel, exactly ? Betrayed ? I don't even know. I don't want to blame her, but jeez, all that fluff about being single and taking her time, and all the things she said... were 3 weeks and a Valentine's Day all it took to f- it up ?
If she met the love of her life during that gap, fine, I can live with that. It will still hurt, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. The other options are much worse for me. It's either she's been very unclear as the months went by, or she played me good (on purpose or not). Once again, I can live with the former and forgive her if it was an honest mistake on her part. I'd still be under the impression that she kinda lied or she just forgot what happened last summer, and it sucks, but if it's the latter... you see, her previous bf manipulated her and after 1 year she still was not over it. What kind of ironic superbeing would it take to come up wit ha scenario like that, I ask you.
Either way, I don't think she would have had in mind to make me suffer like that. What's even worse is that I'm stuck with my brain on this one. I can,t really bring that up with her now, can I ? Like "hey, I know you're in a relationship now cause you messaged that group you just invited me in, but may I ask you, WHAT THE FUDGE HAPPENS TO ME NOW ?!?!". Doesn't seem to much promising of a plan.
Nah, on a serious note, I don't want to make her feel bad for making me feel terrible, especially if she's happy now. I mean, by all I means I still like her. Heck, I could say I still LOVE her if only I allowed myself to be effing honest for her all at once, but that ain't happening. It's my own burden now, but it's just too much for one guy to handle on his own. The only person I could share that kind of stuff with... is her, so ye, I'm booped hard. In hindsight, maybe I should have acted to disprove the rumours a lot more. I have this constant feeling that it could have been different today. Or if only I had taken a risk by sharing my true feelings back when I had the chance last summer. I fear an opportunity like this won't show up anytime soon. After all, it will take me a lot of time and reflection to just let the situation drain in.
Like I said earlier, I thought it would be better if I at least wrote it down or something. Might as well let some people know, friends or not. Doesn't matter much for the time being, it seems, and that is concerning. But eh, that's life.
I will very likely see her for the first time in a month, and since her new "status", this Saturday (23rd). Wish me luclk, no idea how I will react. I just hope I'll be able to think straight, and that my internal distress won't be apparent to other people. And I can't believe I've been writing this huge nonsense for 3 hours now, lol. Oh well, I have two tickets for the movie tonight, and a spare unique gift. Looks like I'll have a fun time.
See y'all around !
- TRUC, aka Chris
Now I probably owe some super serious apologies/replies to a couple of people. I have over 2000 notifications on Discord, as of last time I've checked, and even if I plan to eventually run clean through all of that, it's not for today. If you REALLY need me to see something, I'll try my best to take a quick glance at my PMs and this blog during the next few days and weeks. We'll see how that goes... knowing my recent record, lol
Anyway, here goes some awkward summary of the last year's important-ish IRL stuff:
April 2018
I think that's when I started vanishing away ? I don't even remember for sure lol. Anyway I got a promotion at work and it got busier there for sure. They had offered me one back in the summer of 2017, soon after I got hired, but I was about that start school. Pretty much meant I would work full time for the upcoming summer, after completing my first year of university in maths/teaching.
May 2018
Funny how everyone liked me, but it's always been like I was only a shell. Felt like I never actually got involved with anyone, personally or emotionally speaking. Might have something to do with my father, and the rough times after I got back from Scotland. But that's a whole story on its own.
All of that to clarify why the following is odd. Basically I was kind of stuck in some "live every day like if it was the previous one" attitude with life at this point. Just trying to enjoy what I could and etc. Didn't stop me from starting to appreciate more and more a certain girl at work, without noticing it. You know, looking forward to work with her, acting like a complete noob around her, those cute things. Of course I didn't say shewet (SIDE NOTE: damn I miss that word) lol, I was 22 and she had barely turned 18. Like a complete idiot, when she started messaging me to get tips on how to forget her really bad past relationship and move on with another guy she was interested in... I went 100% friend mode. But that's me I guess. Made me realise I actually liked her a lot, at least.
June 2018
This is where things get pretty serious. You all know what it is, workplace + people in highschool or just out of it = GOSSIP IS LIFE. Yep, somehow people started shipping us together. Or course this puts me in the wrong seat, since she clearly said she was not ready nor wanted another relationship at the moment. Yet the rumours keep growing (thanks to her very subtle friends). And I'm not gonna lie, I did not know how to take them. I probably made some weird faces, how do you express both excitement ("ye, I like her") and remoteness ("meh, it's complicated") at the same time ?
Turns out she invited me to a summer party in July. In case you did not know, summer lasts about 10 days in Canada, and the rest is winter, so we don't have much time to prepare it lol. Ok, I might be overstating it, but anyway, I accepted to go at her place a week before the party to help set up a few things. And hmmm, idk how, but it ended up being just me, her, and another 2 of coworkers (together in a relationship) around a cosy campfire under a clean starry sky. With only two large beanbag chairs. Guess what happened lol, we ended up pretty close. Like the true gentleman I am (why, you ask, I have no clue), I didn't even try to make a move, not sure if she would be willing to, knowing her wish to not have a bf at the time. But jeez, she just left those super obvious hints here and there in the conversation. Even when she said she liked geckos...
Just sucks that I had to go at 2am, I had to get ready to work at 6am, but meh, that evening was already something. I did not end up sleeping much lol.
July 2018
Fast forward a week later, at the said party. Mostly her friend group along with some colleagues. At this point even her mum suspects that there is something going on between us. And apparently of of her friends decided to harass me for 20 times into a fence just to answer THE BIG QUESTION, lol. I don't speak under torture, sadly for her, lol. It was just something I could not answer... YES would not have mattered considering her feelings, and NO would just be a plain lie, and I'm not in favour of that. We ended up in that same beanbag chair for a while later. Pffft I don't even understand how nothing happened. Maybe I just tend to follow some dumb moral principles too much.
The next day she would invite me and her best friend in town to the QCMF, where Shawn Mendes was performing (no idea who he was lol). Again... there might have been some subtle cuddling while laying together in the grass, carrying her around in my arms, a cute picture or two, etc. Nothing was made official yet, but it had to be a matter of time. Or so it seemed.
She had a 1 week trip in the US, followed immediately by me also leaving for 1 week. Really started to miss her during that time. But one thing was odd though. When she left, I said I'd miss spending time with her, and she replied there were plenty of other people at work. However, when I left, she also messaged she'd miss me. I pretty much replied the same way she did to me, and ouch. Grave mistake, apparently.
August 2018
Turns out the gossip at work was really playing on her nerves. I wasn't even noticing it that much cause I would always get around the facts, but she was getting VERY tired of it. To the point where it ruined everything. I can't recall the exact words, but she sent me this wall of text saying she just wasn't ready for something and she didn't want to break my heart. Although she also said a lot of meaningful things. The kind you would not tell anyone, if you know you what I mean... powerful words from the heart. Of course that was alright with me, but her attitude was pretty different afterwards. It was always as if there was a problem when I was there. I tried my best to make her smile and stuff, but I guess I did it wrong.
It was also the last month of the summer break. Got my night shift formations, since the regular guy was leaving, which meant I would work either Friday or Saturday overnight each week when school would start again.
September 2018 - December 2018
Nothing much to say, university wise. As the weeks passed by, I was getting more exhausted with each and every night shift I had to do. I prefer that schedule over having more, earlier shifts, but it was very demanding, when trying to match it with my university classes. Eventually I couldn't be arsed to attend some of them, it was rough on some grades, but everything was decent enough in the end. Just caused a lack of energy and/or motivation, I guess.
At work though... even if our "story" were past news, some people still knew about it. And for some reason they could effing read me like an open book, even the newcomers would notice something was up with her and I, lol. Which didn't help at all, when they asked within her presence. A few people told me to drop the chase, but I was still optimistic, I guess ? I'm not sure how I can explain it, but it felt like it was just a long temporary break. It seems that when I do end up developing feelings for someone, it's a long-lasting emotion.
January 2019
The winter break ended up being extra busy for me. Worked 45 hours a week on average, I don't have much to say about it lol. Felt nice to have a break from classes, especially before starting up fresh for my first internship. But life wasn't going to make it easy for me, no ?
First thing worth mentioning is the sudden change of speech this girl had over me. It didn't seem like she was mad at me for the gossip or my exhausted self anymore, but jeez, it's just as if she had forgotten that I actually like her more than just a friend. I mean I would endure her bad mood days, her silliness and it was obvious to everyone I was doing a little more to help her in particular with anything. Despite all of that, the day before we closed for 3 weeks due to renovations, she INSISTED on her will to remain single, that she was better like this for now, that she would never marry someone who would not give her the butterflies... and the most bizarre thing, she tried to convince me there was girl who were recently hired that like me. Seems super odd to me, even now. Anyway, 3 weeks without seeing her at work, sounded like I'd miss her even more. She's a lot less active online for the whole school semesters.
February 2019
Things got rough. My dad suffers from his recent breakup and I can't help but to make a parallel with what I was living (won't go into details). A good friend of the family dies from an old illness, looks like it was a disguised suicide since apparently he stopped taking his pills. My step-dad's father dies too. My two grandmas are pretty sick. University is going super saiyan mode with papers and exams. In a nutshell, life is poop. I thought going back to work on the 14th would bring something positive out of this mess. But meh, how could it be like that.
My love interest was not working, but another girl asked me how things were now between us. I had nothing concrete to share, except I had invited her to the movie theatre for her birthday (which actually happens to be tonight, the 22nd) to see the new Dragons movie, she loves them. Aaaaand I had a super perfect gift, of course.
I got back home that day, and she had left a message to her closest friends' group (for an unknown reason, I was invited in that girl-exclusive group just a few days earlier). She had met this boy from her own college and they cuddles and kissed, and that they would start dating.
Boom. Just like that.
Today
Now, I had a very bad week. I've always had trouble sleeping, I just think too much about everything, but guess what, I really struggled not to think about THAT, even during daytime. I haven't had that much alcohol in a week since I was in Scotland. Don't worry, I'm still very reasonable, but it just helps to stop thinking. It's either that, or I take the medication I didn't need since 2016 out of the closet. The worst thing about this is that I can't help but to feel like I knew that it was coming. And when I say this, I mean I've sensed it for a pretty long time. Pretty much since she told me she'd rather not date me for the moment, back during last summer.
The best way I can think of, to describe it, is like knowing you're going to hit a concrete wall while driving, but all you do is keep driving, hoping that your seatbelt will save your arse. I just feel like I got destroyed by the air bag, while the windshield is scattered all over me (I'm definitely saving that line). It's just a dreadful emotion that sticks to my mind all day and all night long.
How do I feel, exactly ? Betrayed ? I don't even know. I don't want to blame her, but jeez, all that fluff about being single and taking her time, and all the things she said... were 3 weeks and a Valentine's Day all it took to f- it up ?
If she met the love of her life during that gap, fine, I can live with that. It will still hurt, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. The other options are much worse for me. It's either she's been very unclear as the months went by, or she played me good (on purpose or not). Once again, I can live with the former and forgive her if it was an honest mistake on her part. I'd still be under the impression that she kinda lied or she just forgot what happened last summer, and it sucks, but if it's the latter... you see, her previous bf manipulated her and after 1 year she still was not over it. What kind of ironic superbeing would it take to come up wit ha scenario like that, I ask you.
Either way, I don't think she would have had in mind to make me suffer like that. What's even worse is that I'm stuck with my brain on this one. I can,t really bring that up with her now, can I ? Like "hey, I know you're in a relationship now cause you messaged that group you just invited me in, but may I ask you, WHAT THE FUDGE HAPPENS TO ME NOW ?!?!". Doesn't seem to much promising of a plan.
Nah, on a serious note, I don't want to make her feel bad for making me feel terrible, especially if she's happy now. I mean, by all I means I still like her. Heck, I could say I still LOVE her if only I allowed myself to be effing honest for her all at once, but that ain't happening. It's my own burden now, but it's just too much for one guy to handle on his own. The only person I could share that kind of stuff with... is her, so ye, I'm booped hard. In hindsight, maybe I should have acted to disprove the rumours a lot more. I have this constant feeling that it could have been different today. Or if only I had taken a risk by sharing my true feelings back when I had the chance last summer. I fear an opportunity like this won't show up anytime soon. After all, it will take me a lot of time and reflection to just let the situation drain in.
Like I said earlier, I thought it would be better if I at least wrote it down or something. Might as well let some people know, friends or not. Doesn't matter much for the time being, it seems, and that is concerning. But eh, that's life.
I will very likely see her for the first time in a month, and since her new "status", this Saturday (23rd). Wish me luclk, no idea how I will react. I just hope I'll be able to think straight, and that my internal distress won't be apparent to other people. And I can't believe I've been writing this huge nonsense for 3 hours now, lol. Oh well, I have two tickets for the movie tonight, and a spare unique gift. Looks like I'll have a fun time.
See y'all around !
- TRUC, aka Chris
If you're reading this, it means I have not made a cool signature yet and you should be proud of yourself.
