"Quick" update

[TRUC]

I've pretty much been a ghost for the last year or so, and obviously I'm not gonna change that fact in a few minutes (edit: nearly 3 hours, RIP me), but right now things kind of rocketed to the bottom for me in the last couple of days, and I figured it might help if I wrote it down a bit on here like I used to do since 2013.

Now I probably owe some super serious apologies/replies to a couple of people. I have over 2000 notifications on Discord, as of last time I've checked, and even if I plan to eventually run clean through all of that, it's not for today. If you REALLY need me to see something, I'll try my best to take a quick glance at my PMs and this blog during the next few days and weeks. We'll see how that goes... knowing my recent record, lol

Anyway, here goes some awkward summary of the last year's important-ish IRL stuff:

April 2018

I think that's when I started vanishing away ? I don't even remember for sure lol. Anyway I got a promotion at work and it got busier there for sure. They had offered me one back in the summer of 2017, soon after I got hired, but I was about that start school. Pretty much meant I would work full time for the upcoming summer, after completing my first year of university in maths/teaching.

May 2018

Funny how everyone liked me, but it's always been like I was only a shell. Felt like I never actually got involved with anyone, personally or emotionally speaking. Might have something to do with my father, and the rough times after I got back from Scotland. But that's a whole story on its own.


All of that to clarify why the following is odd. Basically I was kind of stuck in some "live every day like if it was the previous one" attitude with life at this point. Just trying to enjoy what I could and etc. Didn't stop me from starting to appreciate more and more a certain girl at work, without noticing it. You know, looking forward to work with her, acting like a complete noob around her, those cute things. Of course I didn't say shewet (SIDE NOTE: damn I miss that word) lol, I was 22 and she had barely turned 18. Like a complete idiot, when she started messaging me to get tips on how to forget her really bad past relationship and move on with another guy she was interested in... I went 100% friend mode. But that's me I guess. Made me realise I actually liked her a lot, at least.

June 2018

This is where things get pretty serious. You all know what it is, workplace + people in highschool or just out of it = GOSSIP IS LIFE. Yep, somehow people started shipping us together. Or course this puts me in the wrong seat, since she clearly said she was not ready nor wanted another relationship at the moment. Yet the rumours keep growing (thanks to her very subtle friends). And I'm not gonna lie, I did not know how to take them. I probably made some weird faces, how do you express both excitement ("ye, I like her") and remoteness ("meh, it's complicated") at the same time ?

Turns out she invited me to a summer party in July. In case you did not know, summer lasts about 10 days in Canada, and the rest is winter, so we don't have much time to prepare it lol. Ok, I might be overstating it, but anyway, I accepted to go at her place a week before the party to help set up a few things. And hmmm, idk how, but it ended up being just me, her, and another 2 of coworkers (together in a relationship) around a cosy campfire under a clean starry sky. With only two large beanbag chairs. Guess what happened lol, we ended up pretty close. Like the true gentleman I am (why, you ask, I have no clue), I didn't even try to make a move, not sure if she would be willing to, knowing her wish to not have a bf at the time. But jeez, she just left those super obvious hints here and there in the conversation. Even when she said she liked geckos...

Just sucks that I had to go at 2am, I had to get ready to work at 6am, but meh, that evening was already something. I did not end up sleeping much lol.

July 2018

Fast forward a week later, at the said party. Mostly her friend group along with some colleagues. At this point even her mum suspects that there is something going on between us. And apparently of of her friends decided to harass me for 20 times into a fence just to answer THE BIG QUESTION, lol. I don't speak under torture, sadly for her, lol. It was just something I could not answer... YES would not have mattered considering her feelings, and NO would just be a plain lie, and I'm not in favour of that. We ended up in that same beanbag chair for a while later. Pffft I don't even understand how nothing happened. Maybe I just tend to follow some dumb moral principles too much.

The next day she would invite me and her best friend in town to the QCMF, where Shawn Mendes was performing (no idea who he was lol). Again... there might have been some subtle cuddling while laying together in the grass, carrying her around in my arms, a cute picture or two, etc. Nothing was made official yet, but it had to be a matter of time. Or so it seemed.

She had a 1 week trip in the US, followed immediately by me also leaving for 1 week. Really started to miss her during that time. But one thing was odd though. When she left, I said I'd miss spending time with her, and she replied there were plenty of other people at work. However, when I left, she also messaged she'd miss me. I pretty much replied the same way she did to me, and ouch. Grave mistake, apparently.

August 2018

Turns out the gossip at work was really playing on her nerves. I wasn't even noticing it that much cause I would always get around the facts, but she was getting VERY tired of it. To the point where it ruined everything. I can't recall the exact words, but she sent me this wall of text saying she just wasn't ready for something and she didn't want to break my heart. Although she also said a lot of meaningful things. The kind you would not tell anyone, if you know you what I mean... powerful words from the heart. Of course that was alright with me, but her attitude was pretty different afterwards. It was always as if there was a problem when I was there. I tried my best to make her smile and stuff, but I guess I did it wrong.

It was also the last month of the summer break. Got my night shift formations, since the regular guy was leaving, which meant I would work either Friday or Saturday overnight each week when school would start again.

September 2018 - December 2018

Nothing much to say, university wise. As the weeks passed by, I was getting more exhausted with each and every night shift I had to do. I prefer that schedule over having more, earlier shifts, but it was very demanding, when trying to match it with my university classes. Eventually I couldn't be arsed to attend some of them, it was rough on some grades, but everything was decent enough in the end. Just caused a lack of energy and/or motivation, I guess.

At work though... even if our "story" were past news, some people still knew about it. And for some reason they could effing read me like an open book, even the newcomers would notice something was up with her and I, lol. Which didn't help at all, when they asked within her presence. A few people told me to drop the chase, but I was still optimistic, I guess ? I'm not sure how I can explain it, but it felt like it was just a long temporary break. It seems that when I do end up developing feelings for someone, it's a long-lasting emotion.

January 2019

The winter break ended up being extra busy for me. Worked 45 hours a week on average, I don't have much to say about it lol. Felt nice to have a break from classes, especially before starting up fresh for my first internship. But life wasn't going to make it easy for me, no ?

First thing worth mentioning is the sudden change of speech this girl had over me. It didn't seem like she was mad at me for the gossip or my exhausted self anymore, but jeez, it's just as if she had forgotten that I actually like her more than just a friend. I mean I would endure her bad mood days, her silliness and it was obvious to everyone I was doing a little more to help her in particular with anything. Despite all of that, the day before we closed for 3 weeks due to renovations, she INSISTED on her will to remain single, that she was better like this for now, that she would never marry someone who would not give her the butterflies... and the most bizarre thing, she tried to convince me there was girl who were recently hired that like me. Seems super odd to me, even now. Anyway, 3 weeks without seeing her at work, sounded like I'd miss her even more. She's a lot less active online for the whole school semesters.

February 2019

Things got rough. My dad suffers from his recent breakup and I can't help but to make a parallel with what I was living (won't go into details). A good friend of the family dies from an old illness, looks like it was a disguised suicide since apparently he stopped taking his pills. My step-dad's father dies too. My two grandmas are pretty sick. University is going super saiyan mode with papers and exams. In a nutshell, life is poop. I thought going back to work on the 14th would bring something positive out of this mess. But meh, how could it be like that.

My love interest was not working, but another girl asked me how things were now between us. I had nothing concrete to share, except I had invited her to the movie theatre for her birthday (which actually happens to be tonight, the 22nd) to see the new Dragons movie, she loves them. Aaaaand I had a super perfect gift, of course.

I got back home that day, and she had left a message to her closest friends' group (for an unknown reason, I was invited in that girl-exclusive group just a few days earlier). She had met this boy from her own college and they cuddles and kissed, and that they would start dating.

Boom. Just like that.

Today

Now, I had a very bad week. I've always had trouble sleeping, I just think too much about everything, but guess what, I really struggled not to think about THAT, even during daytime. I haven't had that much alcohol in a week since I was in Scotland. Don't worry, I'm still very reasonable, but it just helps to stop thinking. It's either that, or I take the medication I didn't need since 2016 out of the closet. The worst thing about this is that I can't help but to feel like I knew that it was coming. And when I say this, I mean I've sensed it for a pretty long time. Pretty much since she told me she'd rather not date me for the moment, back during last summer.

The best way I can think of, to describe it, is like knowing you're going to hit a concrete wall while driving, but all you do is keep driving, hoping that your seatbelt will save your arse. I just feel like I got destroyed by the air bag, while the windshield is scattered all over me (I'm definitely saving that line). It's just a dreadful emotion that sticks to my mind all day and all night long.

How do I feel, exactly ? Betrayed ? I don't even know. I don't want to blame her, but jeez, all that fluff about being single and taking her time, and all the things she said... were 3 weeks and a Valentine's Day all it took to f- it up ?

If she met the love of her life during that gap, fine, I can live with that. It will still hurt, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. The other options are much worse for me. It's either she's been very unclear as the months went by, or she played me good (on purpose or not). Once again, I can live with the former and forgive her if it was an honest mistake on her part. I'd still be under the impression that she kinda lied or she just forgot what happened last summer, and it sucks, but if it's the latter... you see, her previous bf manipulated her and after 1 year she still was not over it. What kind of ironic superbeing would it take to come up wit ha scenario like that, I ask you.

Either way, I don't think she would have had in mind to make me suffer like that. What's even worse is that I'm stuck with my brain on this one. I can,t really bring that up with her now, can I ? Like "hey, I know you're in a relationship now cause you messaged that group you just invited me in, but may I ask you, WHAT THE FUDGE HAPPENS TO ME NOW ?!?!". Doesn't seem to much promising of a plan.

Nah, on a serious note, I don't want to make her feel bad for making me feel terrible, especially if she's happy now. I mean, by all I means I still like her. Heck, I could say I still LOVE her if only I allowed myself to be effing honest for her all at once, but that ain't happening. It's my own burden now, but it's just too much for one guy to handle on his own. The only person I could share that kind of stuff with... is her, so ye, I'm booped hard. In hindsight, maybe I should have acted to disprove the rumours a lot more. I have this constant feeling that it could have been different today. Or if only I had taken a risk by sharing my true feelings back when I had the chance last summer. I fear an opportunity like this won't show up anytime soon. After all, it will take me a lot of time and reflection to just let the situation drain in.

Like I said earlier, I thought it would be better if I at least wrote it down or something. Might as well let some people know, friends or not. Doesn't matter much for the time being, it seems, and that is concerning. But eh, that's life.

I will very likely see her for the first time in a month, and since her new "status", this Saturday (23rd). Wish me luclk, no idea how I will react. I just hope I'll be able to think straight, and that my internal distress won't be apparent to other people. And I can't believe I've been writing this huge nonsense for 3 hours now, lol. Oh well, I have two tickets for the movie tonight, and a spare unique gift. Looks like I'll have a fun time.

See y'all around !

- TRUC, aka Chris

[bls1999]

Hey Chris, thank you for sharing this. I know it can't have been easy.

Trust me when I say that I've been where you are. If you're looking for advice, I would say try to limit your interaction with her. The last thing you want to do is become depressed or put this girl in an uncomfortable situation. Though it may be hard to hear, It sounds like she's moved on and you should try to do the same. Easier said than done, I know, but it will get easier as time goes on.

Try to treat this as a learning experience for future romantic situations. What do you like about what you did? What could you have done better? If you're able to internalize this and call on your experience in the future, it won't be a waste of time.

Always good to see you! Hoping to see you around more soon, although of course, IRL comes first in all situations. Just remember that you have a community of people who love you here. <3

[a7x3]

<3

[Northadox]

Thanks for telling the community what’s up. We missed you in the time you were absent. If IRL stuff gets in the way, it’s perfectly understandable to shift your priorities!

[TRUC]

Ok, maybe going to watch that movie alone was not the most brilliant idea ever lol
Still great xD

[Lego-man945]

Ok, maybe going to watch that movie alone was not the most brilliant idea ever lol
Still great xD

What movie?

[gemj]

much love and luck my friend!

actually, I'm gonna edit this and say I've also been in a similar situation not too long ago. I know what it's like, dude. let me tell you, you may not think it but things will look up! life is a cruel mistress, but things will always get better!

[Croozen]

Hey Chris#2,

Sounds like you've been dealing with a lot. Try and stay positive, we're all hear for you!

[Campaigns | Ilraon]

Hi Truc,
Made an account specifically for you!
I think many people on these forums relate to what happened to you. Spending a lot of time behind a screen and carefully ordering our thoughts, as you did, doesn't help to occasionally take the rash and bold action life sometimes demands.
I've been in that zone of ghostly, undetermined relationship for a year as a teenager, and coming out of it made me primarily angry. I was very annoyed at things seeming so fake and stretching over very long periods only to be broken by a sudden, in my mind absolutely illegitimate rival. How could someone supposedly fall in love in less than a week?
At some point, I think it's just the freshness of something new beating the reality of a complicated relationship. Even if it is possibly an illusion, the new encounter is exciting and it's easy to idealize it. Some are prompt to declare themselves in love; the conception of love itself is in my opinion falsely romanticized, as reminded me the "butterflies or no marriage" thing. (I find that very cliché).
One over, significant thing: people outside of a relationship, especially in - but not limited to - college or high school, treat it as entertainment just as they treat reality tv shows. In that respect, I consider gossip highly toxic and recommand to clear things up as soon as they begin to spread, lest they should decide what public reality is in your stead. Don't let gossip influence a situation which belongs to you; it will if you let it grow bigger. More importantly so, beware that gossip doesn't influence your opinion; look into yourself and decide for yourself, as honestly and realistically as possible how you feel about that person - not the idealized projection of an unaccessible perfection, but the actual human and your actual, day to day interactions with her.

I have developped such a sickness to these ghostly relationships and turn of events that I now opt as much as my courage enables me for straightforward honesty. In a sense, it's easier as well. That amounts to accepting the situation is complicated, but presenting it clearly; which I always favour over inventing a cloudy simplified "truth" (eg a lie or not stating the most obvious). I study maths as well; the analogy is excessive, but a difficult maths problem clearly analyzed is hard to solve; an easy problem hastily and badly interpreted is impossible to solve.
I feel like that is also a healthier way of inhabiting yourself. There is no ground to bear shame of one's feelings. We feel them and that's how reality is, why hide it? You don't want others to accept an incomplete version of you. Let's not pretend being excited when bored, and let's not answer systematically that we're doing fine when others ask. Maybe that plays a part in the feeling you mentionned about lacking meaningful human interactions during some period.

That is not an exortation to admit you love her and strive to get her back - I think this is a dangerous path.
I recommend to admit the situation, not pretend you're doing well and be upfront about why if she asks about it. It's nice and all to try and protect her from doing bad, but you already condemned your highly moral principles and I'm starting to ask myself if that hasn't grown to a sort of excuse for your not taking a step to change the situation. Even if that's not it, protecting someone else cannot be prioritized over being yourself. In trying to save a relationship by sacrificing yourself, you are only bound to fail- need I insist that relationships involve two consistent and separate individuals.
In being honest to yourself *and with others*, it is quite possible that unpleasant conclusions come up to your mind *or in the discussion*, such as having to limit your interactions to her, as bls wrote. Let these not be ignored!
In short, I value rationnality and honesty.

That was the input of one, very remote and very partial human being who knows nothing of your life. Wheigh perhaps what I say. You decide what is best for you now; maybe that's opposite to what I say. I believe you to be a nice and clever person. Good luck and hopefully days look brighter in the short future.

[TRUC]

text.odt

Gonna reply to this in french because night shifts are night shifts lol, my brain is dead xD
Will try to translate later or tomorrow, or just post something else, since there's been quite a few things that have happened during the last few days.

Tout d'abord, merci pour les conseils, c'est toujours apprécié. J'avais arrêté de me confier en ligne justement, parce que juste qu'à un certain point, c'est une forme de déni social. Je suis pas très fier d'avoir disparu comme ça du jour au lendemain, mais en même temps j'avais mes démons à affronter, si on peut dire. Je ne m'attendais juste pas à vivre effacé pendant tout ce temps-là. Au moins ça me force à réfléchir, tout ça.

Concernant les rumeurs, c'est probablement là où j'ai foiré le plus. Personnellement je m'en foutais, dans le sens où j'étais en mesure de passer outre les commentaires et de m'occupper de ce qui me regardait, mais c'était évidemment pas le cas de la fille. Peut-être bien que je l'ai seulement appris sur le tard que ça la dérangeait et que ça faisais juste envenimer notre début de relation (ou même nos relations tout court, faute de pouvoir utiliser un meilleur mot pour décrire les interactions sociales plus élevées que celles de base), mais quand même, je suis en partie responsable, volontairement ou pas. Et le fait que je laissais aller les choses, passer la fin de l'été, ça n'a certainement pas contribué à remettre les choses en place.

Je ne sais pas trop, si ce n'est par principe (et encore là, j'aurais tout eu faux), pourquoi j'ai tout simplement agi comme figurant dans ma propre histoire. Honnêtement, en y repensant à froid, il aurait mieux valu que j'évite les demi-vérités et les nobles intentions. Au moins, les choses auraient été claires. J'ai eu cinquante fois l'occasion de répondre "oui" ou d'utiliser les mots justes qui auraient convenus. Mais parce qu'elle m'avait fait part de sa dernière expérience, et surtout parce que je me refusais de faire les premiers pas officiels sachant cela, j'ai préféré laisser une discordance. On sait tous les deux ce que ça donne en musique ou en maths, donc lorsqu'il est question de vie émotionnelle...

Évidemment, comme je l'avais mentionné, je voyais le mur arrivé de loin; je n'étais juste pas prêt à vivre l'impact de façon aussi violente. Ça m'apprendra à fermer les yeux dans les situations du genre, et ça m'étonnerait beaucoup que ça puisse se terminer admirablement si ça devait arriver à nouveau. Bref, les subtilités de l'esprit ne valent rien lorsqu'il est question de sentiments, qui l'eût cru.

Maintenant, si les choses étaient demeurées comme je l'avais déjà expliqué, j'aurais probablement d'ores et déjà opté pour ta solution. Cela aurait au moins eu le mérite de me permettre d'être intègre, et de me débarasser de sentiments négatifs, style remords, regrets et culpabilité. Et au moins elle aurait su pourquoi j'avais une attitude bizarre. Mais là... disons que les chose ont un peu changé. Et c'est un euphémisme prononcé.

J'ai écrit le premier truc le 22 février, à savoir environ une semaine après le début de leur relation. Et j'ai appris lundi dernier que c'était déjà terminé. Je ne suis pas au fait de tous les détails, mais bon, j'ai légèrement servi de confident, pour quelque raison obscure. Il paraît que le gars disais ne pas la mériter et qu'il ne se sentait pas à l'aise avec elle... alors que c'est lui qui avait initié les rapprochements au départ. Du coup, elle est démolie émotionnellement, et ça m'a fait l'effet d'un coup de couteau. C'est pas rationnel, mais tout de même, c'est difficile d'admettre que deux gars (avant et après moi) l'aient traitée de la même foutue façon pour la laisser dévastée, alors qu'elle ne mérite pas ça. Et c'est effectivement la même histoire qui se répète: elle se trouve conne (fallait bien y aller d'une expression québécoise), c'est de sa faute, la vie est merdique, et j'en passe.

Et comme le hasard fait bien (ou mal, c'est à voir) les choses, mon quart de travail était avec elle cette nuit. Disons simplement que j'ai dû passer presque la moitié du temps à essayer de recoller les morceaux. Je ne devrais probablement même pas m'embarquer là-dedans, mais malgré tout je l'aime encore, moi. J'ai pris ma décision, et c'est peut-être la bonne pour elle, autant éviter qu'elle fasse une dépression majeur avec tout cela. Et au moins j'aurai la conscience tranquille. Je vais lui parler 100% authentique, comme je n'ai jamais osé le faire avec personne, juste parce que ça m'attriste trop de la voir dans cet état, en espérant rebâtir sa confiance en elle, pour qu'elle puisse éviter de tomber plus bas. Et au diable la délicatesse envers moi-même, je n'ai plus le droit. Pour nous deux. On verra après, je ne risque pas de la croiser plus d'une fois ou deux d'ici la fin du semestre. Au pire, ça mettra un trait sur une période tourmentée pour noux deux.

Encore une fois merci d'avoir pris le temps de partager ces quelques mots. Raphaël, si je me souviens bien ? En tout cas,  c'est grandement apprécié ^^