The Justice System is Screwed Up!

[Mia]

First thing I'd do is realize that the security guard of the prison that I'm stationed in was formerly in my college bowling league with me. His name is Edward, and I once picked up a spare on the last frame to win us a grand prize of $1000 each! Edward looks like Evander Holyfield from 1997, but not missing part of his ear. He convinces the warden to transfer me to a minimum security cell, which is where we team up to make my escape. He remembers that time I got him that cold hard $1000 cash, and wants to repay the favor.

So Edward, he knows the ins and outs of this prison. He's been working here for the past 11 years, after all! He tells me there's a secret way out through the paneling in the ceiling. All I have to do is remove the panel in the southwest positioning of my cell, climb up there, and crawl my way to a 2 way intersection. He hands me a walkie talkie so he can guide me through the branching paths. First I take a left, then another left, then a right. He says it'll lead me to a crawl space with a small window that I can push open.

After I push open the window and scale down the wall, I sneak my way past the lookout guards. They don't notice me, as they're distracted by another inmate trying to escape. It was an extreme stroke of luck! So I took full advantage and scaled the fence when no one was looking. I'm actually getting away with it! The alarms are going off, but they think it's for the other inmate trying to escape! I run straight into the woods as fast I can and don't look back. I've made it back into civilization again! Now to get my revenge.

First off, this orange jumpsuit has got to go. It will draw too much suspicion. Luckily, Edward's shift just ended. We have a conversation over the walkie talkie, and I describe my surroundings. He brings me a change of clothes. I change out of the orange jumpsuit. Edward tells me that he's got my back, and will help me exact revenge. He calls up his buddy Frank, who looks like Dolph Lundgren from 1985. Both Edward and Frank are skilled MMA fighters and have never lost a match in their respective leagues.

After Edward and Frank are allied with me, I find out that Frank just so happens to be a large scale lawyer! He makes 7 figures a year and drives a 2022 Bugatti Chiron SS. He finds that they used a loophole during the lawsuit, and has a way of making sure that nothing happens to me. One that would completely eradicate his bogus claims. Even though Edward and Frank both have muscles, it's seeming like we may not even need them. Brains over brawns! Turns out that Edward does private investigating as his hobby! He finds out a way for me to win back my girlfriend. Now's my chance to get my life back!

He finds out that she really likes diamond earrings, and men that wear luxury sunglasses. It sounds kind of strange, but I trust Frank. After all, me and Edward have been friends for 22 years. I trust anyone that he's friends with. Being a CEO with vast wealth, I decide to buy the diamond earrings and luxury sunglasses. Frank also tells me he'll score us a huge cash settlement against her ex-husband. I can't win my girlfriend back yet, though. First we have to deal with her ex-husband.

Due to Edward's private investigating hobby, we find out his phone number and location. Frank calls him and tells him that he's a large scale lawyer, and that his court case will get dismissed. In a panic, the ex-husband gets flustered and promptly hangs up. We track down where he is. Surprisingly, he's not with my girlfriend. He's at his vacation home, all by himself. We leave him be, for now. If he's not with my girlfriend, then I can go win her back. If the ex-husband isn't at her place, then she must be alone too.

It's Saturday afternoon now, and my girlfriend is taking a day of leisure. Frank generously loans me his 2022 Bugatti Chiron SS. Turns out that she also likes sports cars! I roar the engine of the Bugatti outside of her window. I wait about 45 seconds, then see her step outside. She looks outside and sees me looking suave as hell, rocking my luxury sunglasses and borrowed sports car. I can instantly tell that she is impressed, so I park my car and approach her. As I get ready to hand her the diamond earrings, I remember something my father gave me in his will after he passed.

"Mystery, I want you to have this wedding ring. It pains me to say this, but I planned on divorcing your mother and marrying another woman. I couldn't go through with it. I was overcome with guilt. They wouldn't do a return on the wedding wing. Now I want you to have it. When you meet the woman of your dreams, then I want you to propose with this ring. It is my final request of you." Well it just so happened that I was carrying it in the back pocket of my dress pants, so I plan to propose to her after I give her the diamond earrings.

I take off my sunglasses and put them on my blazer. "Here, I want you to have these diamond earrings." She looks on in awe. "Wait, that's not all. There's more to this. Ever since I met you, I knew I had to spend the rest of my life with you. We complete each other. While I can't offer you the burly muscles of your ex, I make up for it in personality, poise, and suaveness. Deep down, we both know that we're right for each other. So with that in mind", as I get down on one knee, "Will you marry me?" "Oh my gosh, yes! Yes, Mystery!"

So all is well, right? But what of the ex-husband? Won't he find out about me getting back together and marrying his ex-wife? Well, as it turns out, after that phone call from Frank, he was overcome with negative emotions. Hearing that his lawsuit would be thrown out wasn't the only bad news he received that day. He also got a phone call from the CEO, letting him go from his HR position. After losing his job and having his case thrown out, he took his own life. So that's the end, that is how I met your mother.