7th October 2023, 2:16 PM
(This post was last modified: 7th October 2023, 2:23 PM by Delphinoid_. Edited 5 times in total.)
For pretty much my entire life I had no friends, and was convinced I didn't really want or need them due to pressure from my family / their weird attitudes (sounds similar to your situation maybe). My very first friend was someone I met on the original JV through the game Futurism. He's been my best friend for about 10 years now, and we met IRL for the first time earlier this year (in Japan actually).
Recently I started making specifically IRL rather than online friends for the first time. As a research student I think it's easier to make friends, since your cohort is typically very small and everyone has no choice but to get to know the few people they're constantly around. I've gotten to know a few international students from China who are some of the nicest people I've ever met.
Here is what I would say about making friends, IRL or otherwise. The most important thing is to be yourself. This is overused advice that I hated once upon a time. After all, how can I "be myself" if I don't know who I am? And how can this advice realistically enable anything in my life to change? Allow me to explain what I mean precisely.
The only thing that matters in a friendship is whether or not the people involved like each other for who they really are and genuinely appreciate each other's company. How can you meet such people? I think the best way is to put yourself in situations that you want to be in. People who think similarly to you and that have similar values will want to put themselves in these kinds of situations too, and so in this way I think you'll eventually be able to find like-minded people. An important observation to make here is that "being yourself" is in fact independent from knowing "what kind of person you are" (which, depending on your philosophy, is an impossible task anyway)! By doing what you really want to do, you can guarantee that you'll be presenting the most genuine version of yourself, which I think is both necessary and sufficient for making authentic, lasting friendships.
For example, I of course met my best friend via Futurism, and I've also made some friends playing online games competitively (who I have also been able to meet IRL). My interest in ACG led me to learn Japanese and visit Japan; I was able to meet some wonderful people both in my Japanese classes and even in Japan as well!
Conversely, when I've been dishonest towards myself and pushed myself to be in situations that I haven't really wanted to be in, I've only found dissonance with the people I've met. Talking to people in these situations typically feels like I'm forcing myself to be around aliens, and it just makes me feel really uncomfortable.
With all of this being said, I would say that there are two main issues with this approach. The first is that sometimes it can be hard to do the things you would ideally want to do. Maybe you lack confidence or are shy, for instance. This is something that needs to be worked on over time by slowly pushing yourself to try new things and move out of your comfort zone. It does get better, but it never gets easy. The second issue is that in general it can just be really difficult making friends as someone who isn't super outgoing. And that's not because there's anything wrong with being introverted; it's just because if you feel more comfortable being around fewer people, then you naturally have fewer opportunities to make friends. But I think this isn't such a big deal; making friends will be slower, but not impossible.
Anyway, I would be happy to try to be friends if you want, because I think you seem very relatable. Next time I visit Japan we can maybe meet up as well if you like, I think that could be cool.
Recently I started making specifically IRL rather than online friends for the first time. As a research student I think it's easier to make friends, since your cohort is typically very small and everyone has no choice but to get to know the few people they're constantly around. I've gotten to know a few international students from China who are some of the nicest people I've ever met.
Here is what I would say about making friends, IRL or otherwise. The most important thing is to be yourself. This is overused advice that I hated once upon a time. After all, how can I "be myself" if I don't know who I am? And how can this advice realistically enable anything in my life to change? Allow me to explain what I mean precisely.
The only thing that matters in a friendship is whether or not the people involved like each other for who they really are and genuinely appreciate each other's company. How can you meet such people? I think the best way is to put yourself in situations that you want to be in. People who think similarly to you and that have similar values will want to put themselves in these kinds of situations too, and so in this way I think you'll eventually be able to find like-minded people. An important observation to make here is that "being yourself" is in fact independent from knowing "what kind of person you are" (which, depending on your philosophy, is an impossible task anyway)! By doing what you really want to do, you can guarantee that you'll be presenting the most genuine version of yourself, which I think is both necessary and sufficient for making authentic, lasting friendships.
For example, I of course met my best friend via Futurism, and I've also made some friends playing online games competitively (who I have also been able to meet IRL). My interest in ACG led me to learn Japanese and visit Japan; I was able to meet some wonderful people both in my Japanese classes and even in Japan as well!
Conversely, when I've been dishonest towards myself and pushed myself to be in situations that I haven't really wanted to be in, I've only found dissonance with the people I've met. Talking to people in these situations typically feels like I'm forcing myself to be around aliens, and it just makes me feel really uncomfortable.
With all of this being said, I would say that there are two main issues with this approach. The first is that sometimes it can be hard to do the things you would ideally want to do. Maybe you lack confidence or are shy, for instance. This is something that needs to be worked on over time by slowly pushing yourself to try new things and move out of your comfort zone. It does get better, but it never gets easy. The second issue is that in general it can just be really difficult making friends as someone who isn't super outgoing. And that's not because there's anything wrong with being introverted; it's just because if you feel more comfortable being around fewer people, then you naturally have fewer opportunities to make friends. But I think this isn't such a big deal; making friends will be slower, but not impossible.
Anyway, I would be happy to try to be friends if you want, because I think you seem very relatable. Next time I visit Japan we can maybe meet up as well if you like, I think that could be cool.
