19th August 2023, 7:21 AM
(This post was last modified: 19th August 2023, 7:23 AM by Mia. Edited 3 times in total.)
Greetings, Earthlings! It is I, Captain Reginald J. Oohoohaahaah! *takes off fedora* I was sent here by the International Space Committee in the hopes of purchasing this wonderful planet for a sum of 6.76 duodecillion bananas. Now, I know what you're thinking. A monkey that wears a fedora? How is that even possible? Well I learned your common language you refer to as English so I could explain it to you. You see, on my planet, instead of raining water, it rains a variety of hats. We'll turn on the weather channel and hear about a forecast that's 60% chance of bucket hats. It's quite convenient! Hats are also used as a fashion accessory on our planet, which has two moons rather than your planet's singular moon.
Now that I'm quite wealthy, I thought it would make a nice investment and perhaps a vacationing spot. So you're probably wondering, why Earth? What do I find so fascinating about this planet above all of the others? *hurls dung at passerby* Well you see, humans have demonstrated unique ways to destroy their own planet that we on Monkeyela find quite amusing. That's what we call my planet back home, which is several thousand light years away. Anyway, I realized that after you humans wipe each other out by the year 2096, the planet will learn to heal and prosper. It will blossom and flourish like it was before you decided to take dominion over it! So when that time comes, I will become filthy rich! It's really quite a simple investment!
Why invest now, you may ask? That is a great question! On my planet, monkeys live for 800 years, on average. We're really quite the advanced civilization, and have adapted and overcome many hardships. We have no religion, no wars, and no politics. We merely hurl our dung at each other and laugh about it. That is just the way we like it! It's the perfect way to pass the time now that we've eradicated all diseases on our planet. Not to mention, the capability to travel great distances in the blink of an eye. I'm not here to insult you or be condescending, I really do find your planet intriguing! Now that you are aware of my existence and my intentions of purchasing your planet, I shall be heading off! Ta-ta!
Zookeeper: *tranquilizes monkey* So that is where the monkey went! And why does it have that ridiculous hat? Get back in your enclosure!
Now that I'm quite wealthy, I thought it would make a nice investment and perhaps a vacationing spot. So you're probably wondering, why Earth? What do I find so fascinating about this planet above all of the others? *hurls dung at passerby* Well you see, humans have demonstrated unique ways to destroy their own planet that we on Monkeyela find quite amusing. That's what we call my planet back home, which is several thousand light years away. Anyway, I realized that after you humans wipe each other out by the year 2096, the planet will learn to heal and prosper. It will blossom and flourish like it was before you decided to take dominion over it! So when that time comes, I will become filthy rich! It's really quite a simple investment!
Why invest now, you may ask? That is a great question! On my planet, monkeys live for 800 years, on average. We're really quite the advanced civilization, and have adapted and overcome many hardships. We have no religion, no wars, and no politics. We merely hurl our dung at each other and laugh about it. That is just the way we like it! It's the perfect way to pass the time now that we've eradicated all diseases on our planet. Not to mention, the capability to travel great distances in the blink of an eye. I'm not here to insult you or be condescending, I really do find your planet intriguing! Now that you are aware of my existence and my intentions of purchasing your planet, I shall be heading off! Ta-ta!
Zookeeper: *tranquilizes monkey* So that is where the monkey went! And why does it have that ridiculous hat? Get back in your enclosure!