I've been scared into silence for 10 years. I have been wallowing in regret for 7. Maybe some of you know of me, but it's fine if you don't. If that's all you're here for, then just take this as a lesson. Do not choose to be evil. It will ruin your life and the regrets will linger even when nothing is wrong anymore. I make this post as a last ditch effort to find closure in the life I've led. Know that I am not seeking pity. If none of this applies to you, then take this as a means of telling what happened to me. If you don't care, that's okay too. I genuinely hope you lead a happy and fulfilling life.
Here's a little bit of context, but I will purposefully keep everything incredibly vague. And I'll go in chronological order.
I'm posting this here on JV because this part of my life is relevant to it. A lot of the people I've wronged originally came from here. With that being said, here are some notes for those people that I've wronged. I've hidden the true names behind aliases because I feel not doing so would be wrong of me, and would be disrespectful of the privacy of those people. I doubt any of the mentioned people will read this, but I'm leaving it here just in case. If you're on here, you'll know who you are without me having to tell you. And if these notes don't apply to you, please do not try to decipher who they are.
To All: I'm going to echo apologies and promises here from my apology to the Dark One, because I think it's something that all of you should at least hear.
Apologies:
Promises:
To The Newscaster: I'm sorry for pretending to be someone who I'm not, among other things. I made it a mission to lie and manipulate when I was younger. You asked me something with a lot of vitriol, if I was going to claim that I had inappropriate things done to me. The situation made me seem very disingenuous, but I want you to know that I don't take that sort of thing as a joke. My yes to that question wasn't a lie. But I forgive you for going there and for not believing my answer.
To The High-Leveled: I'm sorry I tried to use your standing to attempt to cause instability in the group. And I'm also sorry for the things that I've caused your friends. I hope that wherever you are now, you're doing good.
To The Dark One: I'm certain you won't read this. I've already apologized to you through another website, but I'm still sorry. I promised you that I'd stay out of your future and that I'd be kinder to others in my future. I want you to know that I'm making good on my promises. I've lied to you so many times before that I'm sure you find it hard to trust me. Take my silence as me making good on my promise to stay out of your future, and know that I'm making good on the other one. Through that, I want you to know that I meant every word I said in my apology to you.
To The Light One: You make it incredibly hard to talk to you now, but I don't blame you. I've given no reason to believe I'm anything more than a puppet. It's almost 2025 and I'm still struggling with trying to find closure on everything. The thoughts are compulsory and I wish I could make them stop. Since my words cannot reach you, I leave this to you in hopes that it will allow me to move on, so that I can finally stop being a thorn in your side.
To The Dictator: I'm just as responsible for my fall as you are. I'm sorry that I enabled you, and I'm sorry that you enabled me. Divine intervention forced you to split after your calamity. Now I know that you aren't the one in control. I feel that I've always been your seer, so heed my warning. If you ignore his failures and where he went wrong, you will fail in your ventures and he will return from his hibernation and take over again. The last time he was in control, he left you fractured. So this isn't a matter of me being fecetious or mean. It's a matter of your own survival. So if you want to reach Him, you need to be strong, whether that's on your own or with help. And if you need help still, then I'm here, still suffering, in your name.
To The Square One: I've already apologized to you through another medium. But I am still sorry about that which I've caused you and your friends. And I'm sorry that my actions, in part, tore apart goals you once held.
To The Saved One: I'm sorry that my inability to find much closure in this has affected you in the way that it has. I know you didn't think it would be a good idea for me to post this, but I had to try. I'm sorry for all of the border skirmishes that we've shared since everything began between us. I know you said you'd let him alone, so know that I won't tie you to him or bring him to you. Also, I'm sorry that I've kept quiet on your truths. It was fear that kept me from speaking up about anything. I hope you understand.
To The Accursed One: I'm sorry for trying to drag you into this with my lies and manipulation. You had nothing to do with this and I tried to turn you into an "ally".
To The Magic One: I've already apologized to you through another medium. You said that you'd forgotten about everything and I know that there's nothing negative between the two of us now, but I still am sorry for all that turmoil that I've caused your friends.
To The One That Passed Away: I will never get a chance to apologize to you properly. But I am sorry to you. I'm sorry for tearing your life and your friends apart. You were filled with compassion and care for your friends and you were generous to give us a second chance after the tides of battle. I can feel you watching me from where you are. I will not be there alongside you, but know that you do not have to worry about defending them from either me, or him, anymore. I will defend them from him, should it come to that. So please rest easily.
To The Quiet One: I'm sorry for breaking several promises I made in not talking to you anymore, and I'm sorry for causing nothing but hell for your friends. And I'm really, really, sincerely sorry for your loss (above).
To The Loud One (Myself): I'm sorry that you weren't able to find the closure you needed. I know you keep thinking about leaving, but you don't have to feel that way anymore. It's all over. You will never have to go through it again. I'm sorry for making so many terrible decisions in the past and for choosing to be evil, and I'm sorry for ruining your life. If you come across this in the future, I hope that you find yourself closer to moving on in a healthy way, and I hope that the negative thoughts stop being compulsory. Whatever you're going through right now, I know you can get through it. I'll help you if you need it. I'll always be there for you.
I will link this blog on my profile so that anyone looking to find out more about what happened to me will always be able to find it. You can always reply to this blog, and I will receive email notifications of new replies, so if you ever want to talk and I am not dead or unavailable, I am here. This offer goes to anyone, not just the people listed above.
Here's a little bit of context, but I will purposefully keep everything incredibly vague. And I'll go in chronological order.
- At 13, I met someone who I saw as a hero. If you've ever heard the mantra "Never meet your heroes", well, I wish it applied here.
- At 14, I wanted to help my hero re-obtain something he had lost. At the time, I didn't realize that in doing so I would be wronging a number of people.
- At 14, my hero had trained me to think of those people as obstacles.
- At 14, I entered into an inappropriate sexually-charged relationship with an adult.
- At 14, my efforts to help my hero re-obtain something he had lost blew up. My efforts were reversed, and I was rightfully exiled for my actions. I chose to become a scapegoat so that the hero would not take the fall.
- At 15, I realized that what I had done was wrong. But also at 15, I had believed that those people were evil.
- At 15, I made another plan to help my hero. With this, I fell out of favor of my hero.
- At 15, he caused a rift between me and my friends, as well as the person I was in a relationship with. This was probably done as an act of vengeance, but he inadvertently saved me from being groomed.
- At 16, I met someone he "helped" in the past in a similar way to how he "helped" me.
- At 16, I became friends with my hero again. I planned with him in secret to help him re-obtain that lost thing again.
- At 16, I took on a new "appearance". I pretended to be someone that I'm not. I put on a fake personality to match.
- At 16, that fake identity was ousted. I yet again decided to be my hero's scapegoat.
- At 16, my hero threatened to cut communications with me unless I performed a series of "roleplays" with him, in which I would pretend to be my fake personality and he would "get romantic" with that character. At this time, he was older than my groomer was when my groomer was in a relationship with me. I felt uncomfortable, so I could never bring myself to fulfill what he really wanted from all of it. So he cut contact with me. And I cried because I loved him.
- At 17, I stopped thinking about the people I wroned as villains.
- At 17, my hero approached me about a business opportunity. Among the project's team were others that I had wronged in the past, people that genuinely hated me and for good reason. I was excited to further the project's goals. And I genuinely wanted to work on it. I was given a very threatening warning by my hero not to rock the boat. In the first place, I didn't want to.
- At 17, I invited the someone I met that he "helped" in the past to view the project. That inflamed everything and the project blew up. So the boat got rocked anyway. I was made a scapegoat again. Everyone stopped talking to me, some for good.
- Since 17, I have been unhealthily living in regret. There hasn't been a day that has gone by where I haven't thought about all of the terrible things I've done.
- Since 17, one of the people I have wronged passed away. And ever since then, I've become obsessive about apologizing to the people that I've wronged, because I missed my chance to apologize to that person. I avoided apologizing to everyone because I no longer wished to be a nuisance to them. But with some help, I realized that I should just suck it up and apologize to those people if I truly am sorry. So over multiple instances and years, I've learned to become comfortable with approaching those people and attempting to come clean about all that I've done and apologize to them, to some mixed success.
- Here I am now at 24. Despite all of my best efforts, I haven't been able to apologize to everyone I've wronged, and I haven't been able to find closure. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but time and again I have slipped up and fell into a pit. I am making this post because I don't want to live a life of sorrow anymore.
I'm posting this here on JV because this part of my life is relevant to it. A lot of the people I've wronged originally came from here. With that being said, here are some notes for those people that I've wronged. I've hidden the true names behind aliases because I feel not doing so would be wrong of me, and would be disrespectful of the privacy of those people. I doubt any of the mentioned people will read this, but I'm leaving it here just in case. If you're on here, you'll know who you are without me having to tell you. And if these notes don't apply to you, please do not try to decipher who they are.
To All: I'm going to echo apologies and promises here from my apology to the Dark One, because I think it's something that all of you should at least hear.
Apologies:
- I'm sorry for pushing my wicked sense of loyalty and friendship on you all.
- I'm sorry for barging in and using fed information to make baseless unfair assumptions about you all without bothering to get to know you.
- I'm sorry for believing in any of you to be "villains". It's terrible to even think that anyone could honestly be "hero" or "villain", though I would call myself "evil". Evil is chosen by the person, not for the person.
- I'm sorry for trying to manipulate all of you into doing or thinking things that you did not want to do or think.
- I'm sorry for making a multitude of promises with the intention of breaking them.
- I'm sorry for trying to inflame the friendships/relationships held between you and for pretending that I knew about any of the things that went on between you.
- I'm sorry for being a terrible person in general and for being an awful cretin with awful things to say.
- I'm sorry for pretending to be someone else in order to skirt around the wall you had built up to keep me out.
- I'm sorry for trying to stay involved in your lives for so long and rubbing salt in the wounds that were already forcefully being healed out of place. Wounds forced to heal out of place never go away.
- I'm sorry for being quiet about the evil that was still happening in your lives when I had already decided to stop committing evil.
- I'm sorry for all of the damage that I caused in all of your lives.
Promises:
- I promise to be better to the people I meet in the future.
- I promise to never speak about people I've never met as if I have.
- I promise to no longer assume anything about you, or about what is "good for you".
- I promise to never manipulate people in that way ever again.
- I promise to never enable evil ever again.
- I promise to never throw any vitriol, warranted or not, to anyone ever again.
- I promise to stop negatively affecting your future. (In my pursuit of closure, I have inadvertently come very close to breaking this promise already. I'm sorry that I have caused turmoil in this way.)
- I promise to keep these promises to the best of my ability.
To The Newscaster: I'm sorry for pretending to be someone who I'm not, among other things. I made it a mission to lie and manipulate when I was younger. You asked me something with a lot of vitriol, if I was going to claim that I had inappropriate things done to me. The situation made me seem very disingenuous, but I want you to know that I don't take that sort of thing as a joke. My yes to that question wasn't a lie. But I forgive you for going there and for not believing my answer.
To The High-Leveled: I'm sorry I tried to use your standing to attempt to cause instability in the group. And I'm also sorry for the things that I've caused your friends. I hope that wherever you are now, you're doing good.
To The Dark One: I'm certain you won't read this. I've already apologized to you through another website, but I'm still sorry. I promised you that I'd stay out of your future and that I'd be kinder to others in my future. I want you to know that I'm making good on my promises. I've lied to you so many times before that I'm sure you find it hard to trust me. Take my silence as me making good on my promise to stay out of your future, and know that I'm making good on the other one. Through that, I want you to know that I meant every word I said in my apology to you.
To The Light One: You make it incredibly hard to talk to you now, but I don't blame you. I've given no reason to believe I'm anything more than a puppet. It's almost 2025 and I'm still struggling with trying to find closure on everything. The thoughts are compulsory and I wish I could make them stop. Since my words cannot reach you, I leave this to you in hopes that it will allow me to move on, so that I can finally stop being a thorn in your side.
To The Dictator: I'm just as responsible for my fall as you are. I'm sorry that I enabled you, and I'm sorry that you enabled me. Divine intervention forced you to split after your calamity. Now I know that you aren't the one in control. I feel that I've always been your seer, so heed my warning. If you ignore his failures and where he went wrong, you will fail in your ventures and he will return from his hibernation and take over again. The last time he was in control, he left you fractured. So this isn't a matter of me being fecetious or mean. It's a matter of your own survival. So if you want to reach Him, you need to be strong, whether that's on your own or with help. And if you need help still, then I'm here, still suffering, in your name.
To The Square One: I've already apologized to you through another medium. But I am still sorry about that which I've caused you and your friends. And I'm sorry that my actions, in part, tore apart goals you once held.
To The Saved One: I'm sorry that my inability to find much closure in this has affected you in the way that it has. I know you didn't think it would be a good idea for me to post this, but I had to try. I'm sorry for all of the border skirmishes that we've shared since everything began between us. I know you said you'd let him alone, so know that I won't tie you to him or bring him to you. Also, I'm sorry that I've kept quiet on your truths. It was fear that kept me from speaking up about anything. I hope you understand.
To The Accursed One: I'm sorry for trying to drag you into this with my lies and manipulation. You had nothing to do with this and I tried to turn you into an "ally".
To The Magic One: I've already apologized to you through another medium. You said that you'd forgotten about everything and I know that there's nothing negative between the two of us now, but I still am sorry for all that turmoil that I've caused your friends.
To The One That Passed Away: I will never get a chance to apologize to you properly. But I am sorry to you. I'm sorry for tearing your life and your friends apart. You were filled with compassion and care for your friends and you were generous to give us a second chance after the tides of battle. I can feel you watching me from where you are. I will not be there alongside you, but know that you do not have to worry about defending them from either me, or him, anymore. I will defend them from him, should it come to that. So please rest easily.
To The Quiet One: I'm sorry for breaking several promises I made in not talking to you anymore, and I'm sorry for causing nothing but hell for your friends. And I'm really, really, sincerely sorry for your loss (above).
To The Loud One (Myself): I'm sorry that you weren't able to find the closure you needed. I know you keep thinking about leaving, but you don't have to feel that way anymore. It's all over. You will never have to go through it again. I'm sorry for making so many terrible decisions in the past and for choosing to be evil, and I'm sorry for ruining your life. If you come across this in the future, I hope that you find yourself closer to moving on in a healthy way, and I hope that the negative thoughts stop being compulsory. Whatever you're going through right now, I know you can get through it. I'll help you if you need it. I'll always be there for you.
I will link this blog on my profile so that anyone looking to find out more about what happened to me will always be able to find it. You can always reply to this blog, and I will receive email notifications of new replies, so if you ever want to talk and I am not dead or unavailable, I am here. This offer goes to anyone, not just the people listed above.
![[Image: AZE5A5D.png]](https://i.imgur.com/AZE5A5D.png)
